{ARGH!}

I'm kind of angry today. I've done a good job (I think) of keeping the anger to a minimum and dealing with things quietly...but
I hate food.
I hate hate hate it.
For some reason it seems to be all that people talk about lately.
"Ooh I ate lunch at noodles and company"
"WOW these brownies are amazing!"
"Where should we eat lunch?"
"What are you making for the party?"

etc

"Let's go to Panera!"
"I ate six donuts this weekend" (yes, I really heard someone say this...and no, I am not jealous. That's disgusting! But still annoying ;). I wouldn't do it...it's just the fact that I CAN'T that bugs me)
"I love grilled cheese and tomato soup in the winter"

etc
etc

it grates on my nerves...a constant reminder of things I can't have isn't pleasant.

Oh, and my stomach is messed up today...not sure why. I've been careful, as always!!

Sigh.

The road won't be easy at times, I know...but why does it have to be SO ANNOYING!?

I hate the fact that there is "something wrong" with me...or two somethings, actually (Celiac and vitamin b12 deficiency...although of course that second one really isn't that big of a deal)...Who wants to have a label?! I'm a Celiac. That is just weird.

I would give anything to be "carefree" and not think about FOOD for a day. Who am I fooling!? There hasn't been a day since early on in high school when my thoughts didn't revolve around food. Of course, it was different back then...in high school I was so preoccupied with how I looked, worried about being fat...that I really starved myself. I was borderline gross. Wore a size zero. Seriously. Lunch = one bottle of apple juice and nothing else many days. Yuck! I was preoccupied with what to eat/what not to eat/how I looked. Now it's different. Sure I don't want to be overweight and those thoughts are often plaguing me...but I HAVE to be obsessive about food. I have to premeditate every meal. I have to plan ahead when we eat at friends' homes.

Today is the 51st day of this new adventure.

Can I really go the rest of my life without eating my favorite foods...or at my favorite restaurants again?!
......bread bowls from Panera, Panera's asiago cheese bagels, Panera's asiago cheese croutons, grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup, pesto cavatappi from Noodles and Company, jumbo cheese ravioli from Avanti's, cheddar bay biscuits at Red Lobster, CHRISTMAS COOKIES, 3 muskateers candy bars, cookie dough ice cream, my mom's pumpkin bread, my mom's banana bread, sourdough melts from Culver's, cheese curds from Culver's, mozzerella sticks, cake at weddings/birthday parties, brownies and cake batter ice cream from Coldstone Creamery, fish and chips, pie at Bakers' Square or Village Inn or Denny's or from Jeremy's mom, rolls from Texas Roadhouse, chicken tenders, my mom's taco casserole, corn muffins from Famous Dave's, wraps from Red Robin....

{sigh...}